i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
