i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
