ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
