Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
