Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
