dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
