I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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