I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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