I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
