my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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