Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
