Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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