I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
