Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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