Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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