My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
