Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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