so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
