Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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