how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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