Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
