I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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