if you like me you must not know who I am
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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