Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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