Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My feet surprised me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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