I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
