did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
