y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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