I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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