this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize