guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
