Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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