I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
