i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
