I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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