If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
