I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
