She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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