He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
