At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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