If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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