8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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