Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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