I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize