Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
