1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
