No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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