GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There's a naked man in my car right now.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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