We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
