Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
