I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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