Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Shame - the story of my life.
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