So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
