The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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