I feel great
I just peed on a car
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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