"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize