good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
