Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize