Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
