thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
