Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
